Thursday, November 23rd, 2017

Beautiful Me, Beautiful You

2

When I look in the mirror some times I like what I see and other times I don’t, but I have grown to realise that I am who am I…curves, breasts and everything in between.

I think about how cruel I used to be to myself…you know what I mean because we’re all guilty of it. Starving myself as a teenager, then vomiting every time I ate something and I remember feeling I felt so alone, no one understood. When bones were popping out and clothes were swimming, I felt fat. Sometimes I still feel fat. I often looked at myself with such distaste, I thought I would vomit. I would stand in front of the mirror for hours on end until I could find something that I could frown upon.

I had this love/ hate relationship with food, constantly going up and down in weight. Stopping and starting an exercise regime then fuelling it with a healthy diet of alcohol and cigarettes. But that’s excuses; empty excuses that I use to tell myself to feel better for having a dad that was never there, living in a house where it was normal to beat up women and children, it became a normal progression to follow that environment and continue to be beaten and abused in my own relationship. The constant argument between myself and the world, I am the rock and I always have been but sometimes I don’t want to be because it’s tiring. Food is my friend, no it’s not it is my enemy, I am my friend, no you’re not you don’t treat friends like that. You’re up, you’re down, you’re up, you’re down. Can you please stop it because I am fucking tired!

My life is spiralling out of control and it is filled with people who say they love but you just don’t do that to people you love….I wouldn’t do that to anyone! Is it because I am nice and I am the easy target, the push over? When you give, give and give until you have nothing more to give and it’s still my fault, never yours always mine and everybody else’s. You treat people like they are a piece of shit on your shoe, you have no respect for anyone, you’re selfish, you make life hard and I just can not do it anymore. The amount of times I have had loved ones tell me they are going to commit suicide is too much for one lifetime and really what on earth do you want from me?…seriously.

We get one shot, one opportunity.

Truth is we see what we want to see, we attract who we think we are worthy of but if we are so cruel to ourselves then we are looking within with distorted vision….a distorted mind.

You want to stop attracting horrible people into your life and start looking in the mirror and loving what you see? Then peel back the layers and start to see yourself for exactly who you are and who you want to be. Heal yourself; love yourself because that is the only way you are going to unleash the shackles that are holding you back. See the world for the wonderful place it is, it’s not out to get you, the world isn’t out to get you, people aren’t out to get you.

It’s a process that takes time, consistency and persistency but if you can do it you will live long and live happy.

 

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