As Matthew Newton has been all over the media recently with his latest assault on fiancé Rachael Taylor although it is terrible news it does bring much needed awareness to domestic violence which is incredibly important because sometimes I feel like it does get lost in the mist of the array of other topics that we deem as newsworthy. Now we know that Matthew Newton suffers from Mental Illness so I’ll be covering that topic later this week but for now it’s about domestic violence victims.
We all know someone who we think is being abused by there partner and we feel like it isn’t our place to say anything or is it?
Having been on the other side of the fence and been a victim of domestic violence however I dislike the word “victim”….anyway I can tell you this.
Domestic violence was apart of my life from very early in life I watched my Mother be beaten, head butted and thrown from pillar to post and I knew it was wrong and I would always be the one to stop the assaults. I often thought;
- Why?
- How could you let that man beat you?
When the assaults begun on us that’s when I really didn’t get it and at times I was angry and I felt it was one thing to let him do it to you but to us your children….I just didn’t “get it”. I thought just kick him out, now I understand it’s the same as saying”Just snap out of it” to someone that suffers from depression….you can’t. If only it was that easy we’re asking the impossible because you think we don’t say that to ourselves everyday.
A few years later funnily enough around the same time as Mum left her partner I found myself in the same situation. I knew it was wrong but you have feelings like-
- But I love him
- I know he can change
- You see the good side
- He loves me he just doesn’t know how to control is anger
The thing is you think about leaving but you’re scared, you feel like you have no one to turn too and you’re embarrassed or often you have the same friends and you don’t want them to think ill of your partner. This may sound crazy however I know a lot of you have had these feelings as well.
You leave and you go back because they promise they will change and they are really sorry and they’ll get help. Meanwhile the days go by and you just pray that they’ve had a good day and no one has pissed them off because otherwise I’m in trouble. I get brave enough to tell him that I’m leaving and he tells me he’ll commit suicide so I stay. Then comes the day when he nearly killed me….lucky it’s not my time to go because as I was getting strangled and I couldn’t breathe my housemate came home because she finished her shift early. Shocked by the unexpected arrival he dropped me and left. Had she finished work at her scheduled time I can honestly say I would not be writing this right now.
So we broke up and you’d think that would be the end but I went back because
- He promised he’d changed
- He wooed me back
- We thought we’d move and start afresh and live happily ever after
We moved and not long after he went missing in action for a couple a days and I spoke to he’s parents and I said “I don’t know what to do” and he’s father said “Renee you are an amazing girl and if you want to leave that’s OK, do what you have to do” and I left with only a suitcase of clothes I took nothing and I have never looked back and I did not shed one tear. I was alone in a new city I had never lived in before, I had no money and no belongings and I didn’t care for the first time in my life I was FREE and I vowed to myself that would never put myself in that situation again and I didn’t.
There are people who can help you and it is OK, I believe we are brave when we need to be brave and we do things when we have the strength to do them but I urge you please don’t be like me and leave it too long because I would have died that day. Seek help….
He should seek help as well but that is not your problem and I honestly believe that they will not seek the help they need until you have left because it is only then when they are left with nothing do they realise the intensity of the situation. No they are not drug addicts, alcoholics or suffer from mental illness but do they have a problem they sure do and you can not fix them so stop trying too.
These people are;
- Abusive
- Controlling
- Jealous
- Manipulative
- Extremely persuasive of you
If you know anyone who is getting abuse try and talk to them gently, don’t judge just be there and let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to take the plunge.
If you are getting abused please talk to someone a friend or family member, start to save if you have too, start to plan a safe getaway and if you need help go to LifeLine 131114.
Hey Lovely
Thanks for your honesty.
The physical abuse is horrendous, but emotional abuse can be far more crippling. I am still haunted by things my ex-wife said to me. It impacts my relationships, friendships and my business. Yes there was physical abuse in that she would attack me but as a 6’3″ male, I dismissed this quickly. 5 years on and the emotional stuff is still there.
Time I got her out of my head because she is living there rent free!!
HA! And still you make me chuckle….so she’s squatting in your mind ay? It’s easier said then done to just forget sometimes…. verbal, physical or sexual they are all terrible.
Thank you for bringing this topic to everyone’s attention, however the most insidious and invisible form of family violence is psychological and emotional abuse. There are no bruises, no scars, but your mind becomes twisted, you hate yourself, you believe yourself insane and that you are to blame for everything little negative thing in your life. And the worst part? You don’t even know you are being abused! Took four years of my gp persevering with me, various psychologists, a couple of suicide attempts, psychiatrists, but not until I saw the proof of his lies with my own eyes did I realise to what extent I’ve been had. 19 years of my life gone, wasted on a lie, never to be had back… I honestly don’t see a way forward…. I’m out and me and my children are safe, but now what?
Hey Dorothy,
Each form of abuse is terrible you’re right and the more I work with Depression and Domestic Violence the more I realise that the 2 I think are linked. Not only for the abusers but the abusee’s as well. (Don’t think that’s a word but you know what I mean 🙂
As for what do you do now? You have taken the bravest step yet and now you are FREE so keep it simple, get help when you need it and so you’re ready for the black dog when he draws near.
Stay strong you are doing a fab job girl 🙂
Rxxxx
Hello from Blogcatalog! I was researching Domestic Violence in other blogs.. Very nice blog you have here, Thanks for sharing & best wishes! <3
Thank you Erika it means alot and I am glad you enjoyed it.
Renee xx